thoughts and dreams *

So I guess this is why i stopped writing here. Life got better.....I have him [scott <3].

Love does wonders for a girl's life.

xxx

Kid Chameleon says:

you're actually amazing

clutch my heart, u could never bleed it dry <3 {im just a singer with a song; how can i try to right the wrong?} says: 

*blushes*

Kid Chameleon says:

 :)

clutch my heart, u could never bleed it dry <3 {im just a singer with a song; how can i try to right the wrong?} says:

i dont know what to say to tht  :)



Kid Chameleon says:

*kisses*

Kid Chameleon says:

you dont have to say anything*

meep.
what happened last nite? jeez.
i havent had butterflies like that in a good long while.
i should be so confused right now - but im not.
it felt so damn good.
I cant stop reading it. yipes.
x

So my belly hurts. It must be my pre - period pains. ugh. lucky me *sarcastic smile*

Today was pretty good - nothing special, but all the same I was happy mostly. Just sat down now though and thinking about I have so many niggles atm.

Niggle Number 1 - Men. 

So whats new? lol.

I am constantly thinking about Christian. See his mannerisms in other people, relating what they say to something he did or mentioned. Smelling his smell on the air. Listening to Muse. Or just closing my eyes and seeing his face.
The easiest thing would be to say - right thats it. Just let go... but the trouble is just dont want to. Its not  case that i cant. I CAN. I did before - so im sure i can again. If anything it would be easier. But i just plain dont want to. And its as simple as that.Why should i give up? I want him. The happiness he provides with is worth waiting for.

I miss him though. And it aches. So bad....on a night in bed......when i wake up......in the shower.....on the walk to school........now.

I can feel him clutching my heart.
And i'm clutching his.

The other thing is this ridiculous attention seeking i have with muz and AC. I like them both - and it is just a laugh, the flirting etc. especially with adam....cos at the end of the day there is an honest potential there. (whereas muz will always be just a fling)....but i just feel so dirty,.....as if im betraying chris with my words....and i only turn to them when i miss him bad. cos i can imagine its him on msn and not them. but its never the same...cos his words are always laced with caring and sensitivity....there's just lust.

MEN.

Niggle Number 2

He's ill. and i know its silly, only been 4 days, but i miss him. his face, greetings smile. and im woried about him...cos i care. oh- this is so ridiculously inappropriate.
I hope hes back tomoro.

Niggle Number 3

Im so tired with my parents constant jibes. Problem is i no there right half the time....but ive got to tht point where i just want to live my own life without having stupid confrontation. 

I will right some happy stuff later. Cos im frustated right now. Gonna do some art. and watch a film, or some tv.

x

Winchester Uni was just utterly marverlous, and in effect cumbria is gonna have to be pretty damn special to beat it.

The course sounded so good, the accomdation was lovely and the student union was just immense.

3 floors worth of brand new SU. what more do u want?

*

Im relatively happy a the moment, still missing christian, but i always will. Hell be ok. Itll be ok i just know.

I actually dont have much to say.

hmm. goodnight.x

So i had this rele long dream last night. So much happened. But basically long story short - there was just this ultimately wondeful moment with christian.

I was in a shop - i dont no which shop - but it was a shop.

Someone walked in. I looked up...and it was him.

He started walking towards me...and i screamed and ran at him. 

Grabbed him. Held him so close. 

He took me by the hand as i began to speak,...pulled me behind some shelves and just kissed me over and over.

When we finally separated, he looked at me and smiled and said, "Ive missed you."

<3

Yes thats right. Damien Rice kicks Basmati's ass. Ha.

So me, Thom, and matt went to see Damien Rice yesterday. He was just ......WOW.

I love him, his little kooky mannerisms, his sexy voice, and his skinny little ass. He rocks my world.

He made me cry 5 times. I counted. Hehe.

Damien is amazing. funny. hot. talented. and irish, can it get any better? 

No. I didnt think so.

: )

Im loving my history coursework atm. I get it, even though its solid, i understand, and i know where im going with it. Im so have to get top marks for it, im determined.

He made me smile today. He was cute. Bless.

She on the other hand pissed me off....why does she have o be so fucking defensive....im not criticising,....merely stating opinion on a piece of work which involves us all.

And...i still miss christian.
He holds my heart after all.

Going to Winchester tomoro.....fun fun.

Goodnight xxxxxxx

1. Strategic Thought c/w - cont.
2. LEC essay - final copy.
3. Amend Personal Statement.
4. Winchester open day.
5. Art.
6. Archie scenes.

Write laters. x

Ive been watching freddie mercury videos all night. again. I really miss him, and i wasnt even aware of him when he was alive, let alone knew him. 
He has such a genuine emotion in all his work we captivates my soul. I love it. He is truly my hero. 

My body aches..and i feel illness in my bones. I hope to gos i am merely be a little hyprochondriac esque. I hate being ill.

Christian is making me so sad atm. Not him personally. Just thinking about everything hes been through and I just want to be there for him. I want hold him, kiss, rock him. Let him know itll be ok. Its alright to hurt, to bleed. He deserves to be happy.

Damien Rice on thursday woop woop.

I was planning to write a long entry but i just cant find the words tonight.
Maybe later,

xxxmelxxx

Oh sweetie. How could they?

You dont need them. You are so much better than them. Know that.

Im here for you. x

He is my hero.

I still love you. love of my life.


And now i feel guilty for loving him, and hating him for let me love him.

Christians homeless again. When i say homeless i mean his parents have thrown him out. For some reason he never comes on msn when he aint living at home. Its not as if he doesnt have access - he does cos hes always on myspace/facebook. I dont understand why he didnt just tell me though. I know i wont hear from him for ages now - i no the routine. Its as if he can only consider involving me in his life when his own life is somewhat stable. Which is completely understandble. I just wish hed talk to me. Im not asking him to justify himself. Just to let me know. Maybe hes embarrassed. Maybe he just knows what im like. Love sux. Cos' i worry about him so much, but i can never be there for him. I miss him. (btw when i say love. I dont mean im in love with him....cos im not....i dont no him well enough for that. But i do love him....i means a hell of a lot to me. I just felt that had to be justified.)

Its strange really, before I was actually attempting to get over him. I never truly did though. He just has this effect on me, he lets me lose my head...use my heart. I like that. I like the fact he shows me my true emotions, shows me who i really am. The way I feel about him scares me so much. He scares me so much. I shouldnt want to be involved him, because he screws up my head. Hes the only guy i ever cried over. Sure Ive cried cos of guys before...but not cos of them cos of me. But I cried over him, so bad. I was so scared id lost someone who had such intense effect on my life. Because in the short period i did properly date him, he opened me up so much. I was truly myself. Ive never been like that with anyone. He challenged my way of thinking, and made me look at the world in a whole new way. Such a beautiful way.
He is such a beautiful person. His heart is scarred, but every single scar just makes him all the more amazing.
I hope one day i can be part of his life permanantly - i want to be part of his life. I just want him to be happy. Because he has made me so happy. :)

Joeys wearing a top of friends that reminds me so much of chris. stripes. lol.

Why does everyone/thing remind me of him?

Muz asked me to design his tattoo. Im rather excited about it. I have 3 years to perfect it cos he aint gettin it till hes a qualified paramedic. The initial sketches look really good though. :D

Forbidden love rues my life too. But its ok. It makes me smile to know, and ive accepted it. It doesnt trouble me in the slightest and it is what it is. I see him everyday, and he makes me smile. But its ok. He will always be there for me, and i know that. I respect him so much, and that is what counts.

I think this is enough for now. That was a rather long post. Phew.

Laters,

xxxmelxxx

I feel very productive at the moment. I am achieving things, admittedly things that may only seem minor but are very important to me. Last night I managed to complete a first draft of my personal statement, proof it and correct it. It was such a self indulgent task, rather enjoyable. I then made a fantabulous collage photo bday card for my dad (his birthday) and smiled lots at the stupid faces i seem to often pull. lol.  Today I feel was equally as productive. Made significant developments and contributions to our devised piece in drama, which i am so excited about. Got me thinking to of all the obsessive little things I do. Freaky really. Then in art I had a sudden brainwve about using Chris' straightjacket in some photos for my prep. Which gave me a wonderful excuse to text him, and he agreed to model it for me. lol. one day, ill be that happy again :) 

Dance auditions were fun, i was impressed by the talent of the turn out. Cant believe its my last year :( im gonna miss being PHGS' resident choreographer. haha.

Tomorrow I'm going to achieve the following:

1. Get up about 9.
2. Finish notes on british foreign policy.
3. Do sources on nazi germany.
4. Start reading up on the Suez crisis, and possibly the american civil war.
5. Go to leeds with mum and soph, buy school stuff, perhps some cheap heels and go job hunting.
6. Feel really great about what i wear and go to little tokyo for pheebs' bday.
7. Have a rele indulgent evenin at ruths. (wine n the like) 
8. have possible drunken convos.
9. Meet someone new.

Bedtime i think. Goodnight. x

He makes my heart smile.
He always will.
Nothing will change that. 
Ive never been more happy than when i was with him.
I will be that happy again, I will. 

MS <3 CK

xxxmelxxx